


Things to do in Zyzzlvaria when you're temporarily discorporated

by marginaliana



Category: Alice In Wonderland - Lewis Carroll, Doctor Who (2005), Escape from Zyzzlvaria, Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Crossover, Gen, gratuitous plot device, puzzle
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-10
Updated: 2014-03-10
Packaged: 2018-01-15 06:28:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1294849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marginaliana/pseuds/marginaliana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Ye great blasted idiot!" said Scotchy to Algernon. "You canna recognize a plot device when you see one?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Tablesaw](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tablesaw/gifts).



> Some web searching may be needed for the puzzle. The puzzle answers are posted in chapter 2.

"Gee," said Algernon. The light from the twin Xanadu suns dappled through the trees on either side of the path, glinting brightly off the red satin of his uniform shirt. "It sure is nice to have a peaceful mission for once."

Captain Blastoid kept herself from sighing heavily, but only because she'd had several long years of practice. The path was wide enough that the rest of the crew could take a step away from Algernon, which they did with some speed. The captain felt vaguely reassured by this; at least she could rely on most of them to have more than half an ounce of self-preservation. When your job was exploring new worlds, saving the universe, and just generally being awesome, self-preservation was kind of a necessary asset.

Algernon, of course, was walking at the side of the path, oblivious to the by-play. After a moment he reached out to one of the overhanging tree limbs and plucked at a fruit. "D'you think these are edible, Ralph?" he said, raising it to his mouth.

Ralph held up his quadcorder in front of the fruit until it beeped. "Nope," he said easily. "Deadly poison." Algernon froze with his mouth open around the rind of the fruit. 

"I bet it's delicious, though," said Zoe snidely. Harold snickered.

Algernon carefully took the fruit away from his mouth and then dropped it into a bush.

"Weeeell, maybe not deadly," said Ralph, still examining the readings. "It might only paralyze you."

"I wasn't that hungry," said Algernon hurriedly. "Just trying to get into the exploratory spirit. Say, Captain, why are we visiting this planet anyway?"

"The United Planetary Galactic Allied Federation Society is looking for new worlds to colonize," said Captain Blastoid. "There's some indication that this planet was previously inhabited, so we have to make sure that it's safe for colonists." She'd explained this in the mission briefing, but Algernon had been preoccupied with the small, fat, furry creature he'd acquired on the last mission. He'd called it a frubble, which the captain thought was rather stupid, but then again with a name like Eglantine Blastoid she hardly had room to talk.

"What were the previous inhabitants like?" asked Algernon.

"Three heads," said Ralph. "Different colored heads. And all the records we have suggest that usually the heads didn't get on, which must have been a bit weird. Other than that, a lot like us. Intelligent, we think. Well, intelligent-ish. They certainly built a lot of odd stuff."

"Like what?"

"Well, like—"

"Like that," Zoe interrupted, pointing at an opening between the trees where the path seemed to end. Just visible was a large building, constructed of some sort of dark gray stone, though a substantial part of the stone was hidden underneath greenish-gray moss. At first glance it wasn't particularly interesting as a building, being square and undecorated with only a few long, rectangular windows, but the longer Captain Blastoid looked, the more ominous it seemed. It lurked, somehow.

For a moment the crew just stared. "We're going in there?" said Leah.

"We'll probably catch Space Rabies from that moss," said Ernie.

"...Wibble," said Algernon.

"Onward!" said Captain Blastoid.

It was easy enough to get inside the building; the two large double doors were already open. Captain Blastoid led the way between them into an open hall, as tall as the height of the building. More moss was growing on the inside walls here, spreading in tendrils across the stone floor and just touching the bottom of a pile of gleaming metal that stood in one corner. Two long and narrow windows stretched across one wall; hanging within each opening were a series of glittering crystal prisms, catching the sunlight and scattering shards of rainbow around the otherwise gloomy room. Somehow, none of these had moss growing on them.

The crew moved about the room, looking at the walls and the moss with their quadcorders. 

"Great galloping Glenlivet!" said Scotchy, peering closely at the pile of metal. "Tisn't junk at all, Captain. Tis a machine."

"Oh?" said Captain Blastoid, turning from her examination of the moss in the far left corner. It almost looked like it had grown into the shape of a little smiley face, just there.

"Wow," said Algernon, from beside Scotchy. "Look at all these buttons! I wonder what they do."

Six voices spoke all at once.

"Dinna—"

"Algernon—"

"Step back—"

"Oh, for—"

"Do not—"

"Ensign, you—"

At the burst of cacophony, Algernon started, tripped over his feet, and fell heavily against the machine. Captain Blastoid could see, as if in slow motion, his elbow landing directly onto a large, red button.

"You didn't need to shout," said Algernon huffily, straightening up. "I wasn't going to touch anything."

But further recriminations were cut short as the machine began to hum quietly, then more loudly, until a high-pitched whine filled the room. Suddenly, a white light washed over them, bright and blinding. When it cleared, Captain Blastoid looked around the room but saw nothing that seemed different than before.

"Ye great blasted idiot!" said Scotchy to Algernon. "You canna recognize a plot device when you see one?"

"A plot device?" asked Algernon. "What's that?"

Scotchy clipped him around the ear – or intended to, more accurately, because instead of connecting, his hand went right through the back of Algernon's head and came out the front.

"Ah," said Algernon. "One of those." Captain Blastoid didn't manage to keep herself from sighing heavily this time.

\-----

After a bit of experimentation, they discovered that Algernon was the only solid person in the room.

"I want to run a few scans, Captain," said Ernie. "See if we can figure out what happened to us."

"I'll have a wee scan of the machine as well," said Scotchy.

Ernie's quadcorder made a sad grinding noise. Scotchy's gave an even sadder groan, followed by an ominous series of clicks. After a quick check of the others, they found that only Algernon's seemed to still be in working order.

"Makes sense," said Ernie. "If whatever happened to us also happened to what we were carrying... I'll do a scan. You can have it when I'm done," he added magnanimously.

"Nae, you can have it when _I'm_ done," said Scotchy.

"Really _I_ should be using it," said Harold. "If that machine was programmed to do something to us, I'll be the one to figure it out."

"Captain, will you tell these two lumps of flesh that—"

"The captain certainly will not!"

"Gentlemen, this is hardly helping," said Captain Blastoid, trying to be reasonable.

"I'm the only one of this crew who knows how a quadcorder works!"

"You can't even pick it up right now!"

"Neither can you, laddie, but that doesna mean—"

"Hey, guys, look at this!" said Zoe, breaking into the argument. "The machine has this screen..." The rest of the crew crowded close and peered over her shoulder at it.

"That certainly wasn't there before," said Harold with a huff, but Captain Blastoid gave him a sharp look and he shut up quickly.

"What does it say?" asked the captain.

"It says, 'You have been temporarily discorporated. If this discorporation was in error, please enter the administrator password. The administrator password can be generated using the passwords for each zone.' And then underneath there are a couple of rows of different colored squares and little arrows."

"Oh, great," said Leah. "Discorporated _again_."

"Let me look," said Captain Blastoid. 

[](http://imgur.com/joOWn7c)

"Any idea what the passwords are?" asked the captain, without much hope. Still, she'd learned to ask that sort of question sooner rather than later.

"No."

"Nope."

"No."

"Not a clue."

"Nae, Captain."

"All right," said the captain. "No problem! That just means we have to do something clever."

"Sounds great," said Algernon. 

"Zoe," said the captain, "do something clever."

Zoe sighed and looked down at the screen again. "Maybe we should try pressing one of the arrows?"

Algernon pressed the red arrow. The machine made a strangled beeping noise, and projected a red laser against the wall, tracing the shape of an oval. When the laser stopped, the oval blinked, then displayed a shimmering scene of a long, wood-paneled room.

"Did that thing just cut a hole in the wall?" said Leah, edging away from it.

"I don't think so," said Harold. "Algernon, the quadcorder. The blue dial— no, the blue— Honestly, Algernon. Yes. That one. Turn it fifteen degrees." The quadcorder hummed, then beeped. "Well, it's not a hole. It's more like... a portal."

"I suppose we'd better go through, then," said Captain Blastoid. "We're not going to find the password just standing around here."

"Aye, Captain," said Scotchy. "Lead on."

"Algernon," said the captain. "You go first."

"Maybe you should go first," said Algernon. "I mean, if you're discorporated and all, then nothing can kill you, right?"

\-----

Algernon went first. On the other side of the portal the room was still, its silence heavy and oppressive. Windows stretched all along one side, letting in afternoon sunlight and a view of a broad expanse of lawn. At the far end was a closed door. The wall opposite the windows was paneled in dark wood, floor to ceiling, and set with a row of carved white marble pedestals of varying heights. The tops of the pedestals held typing machines of various sorts. One, Captain Blastoid recognized, was the kind she'd used during her last year at the academy, a present from her parents. Most of the others looked far older – some even seemed to have bits of paper hanging out of them.

A faint whooshing noise sounded behind them, and Captain Blastoid turned to stare in dismay at the place where the portal had been. "Nobody panic," she said. "I'm sure it will reappear as soon as we find the password."

"How are we going to find a password _here_?" said Zoe.

"Where _are_ we?" asked Ernie.

"Algernon, press— no, not that one. The other one. Thank you," hissed Leah impatiently. "We're in... oh, no. Zyzzlvaria."

"We're in Zyzzlvaria?" Algernon yelped. "I don't want to be in Zyzzlvaria! The last time we were in Zyzzlvaria I ended up in the Harvoid Constellation and there were _students_ there. I barely escaped with all my brains intact!"

"Are you sure you managed it?" Zoe muttered.

"Maybe it's a virtual reality?" Harold suggested doubtfully. "If I could just use the quadcorder for a moment..."

Tap.

Captain Blastoid swiveled her head towards the noise, but saw nothing. She might have thought she'd imagined it but for the face that Zoe's head was cocked to one side, listening. 

"…and I'm sure it wouldn't take long to—"

Beep.

This time Harold must have heard it, too, because he stopped talking mid-sentence and turned his head to look at the nearest of the typing machines.

"Was that—" Leah started.

Tap. Tap. Clack. Beep. Ding.

All the machines fluttered into life. Those with screens flashed while the ones with pieces of paper stuttered and whirred. Beep. Bing! Click, click. Tap, tap, tap, tap.

"Do you think one of these is typing out the password?" suggested Ernie.

"It canna be so easy, can it?" asked Scotchy.

"This one just has the letter G over and over again," said Leah, peering at the first machine.

"This one has W," said Harold, looking at another one a bit further along.

"Maybe we have to read them together?" suggested Algernon. The rest of the crew turned to look at him. "Just a thought," he said.

"A disturbingly sensible one," said Captain Blastoid. "Okay, let's get them all down on the quadcorder."

A few moments later they had a long string of letters, and they all gathered around to stare at it. The machines fell slowly back into silence.

GIOWLVENWIEGRETNGLIKEPACROWRTS

"That's a weird password," said Leah.

"Well, I'd hardly expect them to store it in plaintext," sniffed Harold. "You must have to decrypt it somehow. Hmm, let me see..."

The door down at the far end of the room flew open with a bang, and seconds later two figures came running through. The one in front was a tall man, skinny, wearing a brown suit and looking like his hair had been mauled by some sort of slavering beast; just behind him was a woman with red hair and a look of deep and potent annoyance on her face.

"Run!" said the man. 

Captain Blastoid wasn't in the habit of taking orders from anyone, much less from a man who looked like a strong wind would flatten him. "Who the hell are—" Behind the woman, four more figures appeared in the doorway. These were all visibly non-human: their faces were bright yellow and slightly fluffy, and they ran with a sort of waddle to their movements that spoke of unusually-shaped knees. It would have been amusing if they hadn't also been carrying very large, very pointy spears.

"Blasphemy!" shouted the first of the fluffy aliens. One of the typing machines clacked menacingly, then lifted off of its pedestal. Another followed it, and then another, until a small swarm of typing machines hovered in the air. 

"… Run!" said Captain Blastoid. 

They ran. There was another door at the near end of the room and Algernon pulled it open without too much trouble. This opened out onto a short hallway that led to a flight of stairs. The man in the brown suit made straight for them, and without a better plan the captain followed him, waving to the others to keep up. 

"Does he know where he's going?" she asked the red-haired woman. 

The woman grinned at her without slowing down. "The Doctor? Probably not. But he hasn't managed to get me killed yet, so that's something."

"Oi!" the Doctor yelled. "I've done better than that, haven't I? I've shown you a bloody good time."

"I suppose," the woman hollered back at him. "If you call running for my life on fifty different planets a good time."

"You know, Donna, I do," said the Doctor.

They went up the stairs and found another, longer hallway. Typing machines swooped down from overhead; none of them seemed to be doing any harm, though Captain Blastoid wasn't sure if that was terrible aim or just because they happened to be attacking people who happened to be temporarily discorporated.

"Harold," she called, "now would be a very nice time to decrypt that password."

"I'm working on it!" Harold shouted back. "It's a bit difficult to do while running since Algernon's carrying the quadcorder."

"Try harder!"

At the end of the long hallway there was another door, this one locked. The Doctor pulled something out of his jacket, a long silvery thing with twiddly bits on the end. "See if you can keep those things occupied while I get the door open," he said, pointing the thing at the door knob. 

Scotchy crowded close to peer down at the thing. "Oh, now that is a lovely little thing," he said.

"Occupied with what?" asked Donna.

"Yes, isn't it? Invented it myself," said the Doctor. And then, to Donna, "Oh, I dunno. Try telling them that story about Charlene and her ex-boyfriend and the cabbage. It put me to sleep when you told it the other night."

Donna smacked him across the shoulder but turned and pointed at one of the flying typing machines. "Oi, you, IBM Selectric. Yeah, you. You think you're so clever, don't you? Well I'll tell you something, I can type more than a hundred words per minute."

The fluffy aliens reached the top of the stairs. 

"Harold," said the captain.

"I'm working on it," Harold said feverishly.

"Doctor—"

"Just a minute," he said. "Just have to find the right setting..."

"Give me five minutes with you," said Donna to the typing machine, "and I'd get your keys so red hot they'd fly right off. And you," she said to another one, "don't think you'd do any better just because you're digital. I can do shorthand, you know. I take dictation. You want to try something with me?"

"Aha!" said Harold. "If you take the—"

"Harold," said Captain Blastoid. 

"Right, right, anyway, it should be—" He said a word. There was a sort of bonging sound and then a portal shimmered into existence. Contained within the oval was a view of the room where they'd started, the machine's gleaming hulk in the corner.

"Guess we've done it," said Ernie. "Good job, Harold."

"Yes, well done, Harold," said the captain. "Everyone go!"

Algernon dived through, then Harold behind him and then the others. "Would you like to—" the captain offered, but the Doctor was already shaking his head.

"Nah," he said, "we're all right. Almost got this, and my ship's just on the other side."

"Thanks, though," said Donna, without looking away from the typing machine.

"All right," said Captain Blastoid. "Hope you enjoy the rest of your time in Zyzzlvaria." She stepped through the portal. 

"Zyzzlvaria?!" Donna said. "You said we were going to Torcaldi!"

"I've got the door open. Are you going to stand there all afternoon?" the Doctor said.

"I don't believe you, honestly—"

The portal sizzled shut on the rest of Donna's recriminations. The captain found she was standing in front of the machine. "Excellent progress, people," she said. "Algernon. Type in the password. Then the blue arrow."

\-----

This time the portal opened onto a dark forest. Trees arched overhead and sprays of dark green leaves formed a vaulted ceiling. Algernon stepped through and then the others, close behind him. The portal closed with a faint pop. The captain turned a slow circle, cautious, but the forest stretched in all directions, none looking more promising than any other. "Where are we?"

"Algernon, the button— Not that one." said Leah. "Ah. Still Zyzzlvaria, though we're in a different quadrant." Algernon moaned. 

"Which way?" asked Harold. "I can't see anything but trees."

"Nae, nor me," said Scotchy.

The captain shrugged. "Spread out," she said. "If we're meant to find a password here, we must be near it. We started close to the first one, so presumably this will be the same. Everyone come back here in fifteen minutes and check in." She picked a random direction and started walking, then hesitated. "Better pair up. Algernon, you're with me." He'd like as not get himself killed, otherwise.

They walked between the trees for a few minutes, seeing nothing but the forest. Leaves rustled menacingly around them, shushing and slithering against each other, sometimes more loudly and sometimes more softly. "Is it just me," said Algernon, "or are the trees here, uh, whispering?"

Captain Blastoid stopped walking and cocked her head. Now that she was paying attention, it did sort of sound like whispering. 

senericallysierysiquors, rustled the tree just next to her left elbow. 

shatsroducesadnesssnsotalsbstainers, came the susurration of another, this one off to her right.

"Look!" said Algernon. He pointed into the distance, and when Captain Blastoid followed the line of his finger she discovered the silhouette of a man about thirty yards away, just visible as a shape and a shadow.

"Hello?" she said. It came out more quietly than she'd meant, and she cleared her throat before saying, more loudly. "Hello? Pardon me, sir..."

The man didn't move. Captain Blastoid took a deep breath and walked towards him. As she got closer a faint buzzing sound arose from somewhere, and it seemed to carry words just as the trees did. 

zozraverzhanznzrdinaryzan, buzzed the sound, zutzravezivezinuteszonger.

The man was facing away from them, the captain saw. He was wearing a tan jacket and carrying a leather suitcase.

"Excuse me," said Captain Blastoid. The buzzing noise intensified, as did the whisper of the trees; the two sounds wove around and between each other, just on the edge of perception. 

Ssityshemsreatlysutssustsesum... Zezreamszfzeingznzonestzoward... 

The man began to turn, slowly, and Captain Blastoid had to fight the urge to run away very quickly. _Dammit,_ she thought, _I'm a Blastoid! I'm not afraid._

Zikezverybodyzlse... sorsowsouldsesosithoutsugarsndshis...

She could almost see his face now. There was something not quite right about him, though she couldn't have said what. Something dangerous. Something horrible. Perhaps when she looked him in the eye, she would see what it was. Perhaps...

She blinked. On the other side of the blink, the forest was gone; she was on Xanadu again, in the gray, moss-infested building, and she was staring right at the machine.

"What... what just happened?" said Leah.

The captain spun and discovered that the rest of the crew was with her, though they were all facing in different directions. "Report!" she said sharply. 

"Zoe and I were just looking at this tree, and then suddenly we were here," said Leah.

"Me, too," said Harold. "Ralph and I didn't see anything."

"Nor Ernie and I," said Scotchy.

"I guess the man must have given us the password," Captain Blastoid said slowly. "He was the only person we saw."

"Except for the trees," said Algernon. "And the flies."

"The flies?" asked Captain Blastoid.

"You know," said Algernon. "In the suitcase?"

_That must have been where the buzzing was coming from,_ thought Captain Blastoid. She shuddered. "Nevermind the flies," she said. "Do we know what the password was?" She turned back to the machine and glared at it, then leaned in and discovered that, next to the blue arrow, two words had been filled in. "I guess we do."

"Huh," said Algernon. 

"How the hell did we get that password without realizing?" asked Leah.

"I guess I'm just that good," said the captain. "Besides, remember rule number one."

"What's rule number one again?" said Ernie.

"Never look a gift space horse in the mouth," said Captain Blastoid. "Algernon. The yellow arrow, please."

\-----

This time the portal opened into a long, high hallway with black and white checkered tiles on the floor, lit up by a row of lamps hanging from the ceiling. There were doors all around the hall, a few of them simple but others ornate and decorated with carved flourishes, and down at the far end was just visible a small, glass-topped table.

The portal closed with a whoosh. 

"Where are we this time?" asked Captain Blastoid. 

"Press the... no, the other one, Algernon. We just did this, and you still can't remember which button it is?"

"Leah," said the captain, warningly.

"Sorry, Algernon. Anyway, still Zyzzlvaria, but we're in the upper left quadrant this time."

"Why is it that whenever an alien species kidnaps us and sends us on a quest, it's always to Zyzzlvaria?" Ernie complained. "There's a whole universe out there, you know."

"Aye, laddie," said Scotchy. "Tis sadism, pure and simple."

"Focus, crew," said Captain Blastoid. "We need to find the password. There'll be plenty of time for complaining about how aliens are weird when we get back to the ship." Ernie and Scotchy looked abashed. "Let's see what we can find here, all right?"

They went down the hallway, Algernon systematically trying each of the doors, but each of them was locked. When they got to the end they found the glass-topped table held four items: a very large key, a very small key, a small vial of liquid, and a plate with a piece of cake on it. The top of the cake had "EAT ME" spelled out across it in some sort of dried fruit, and upon closer inspection, the bottle proved to be labeled "DRINK ME" as well.

"Subtle," said Zoe. "It's probably poison."

"Ralph?" said the captain.

Ralph grabbed for the quadcorder, cursed, and then ran his hands through his hair. "Algernon, can you twist the— yep, up to the red line. And—" He peered over Algernon's shoulder. "Nope, not poison. But I'm not sure exactly what they would do to you."

A low laugh sounded from behind them, and the captain spun around. At first she could see nothing out of the ordinary, but then a curved shape appeared in the air down near the floor, an arc of something furry, parting to reveal gleaming white teeth. 

"Eek!" said Algernon, staggering backwards right through Leah.

"Ew!" Leah shrieked. 

"I know you've been trying to get into Leah's pants, Algernon," said Zoe dryly, "but this is ridiculous." Leah, Algernon, and the captain all glared at her. "Geez, only kidding, guys."

The mouth laughed again, and this time when the captain jerked her eyes back to it she found that it had grown ears, eyes, and a face. It was clearly a cat, she could tell that much, but it wasn't a standard space cat. There was a certain alienness to it, perhaps due to the way it grinned or the slightly mad look in its eyes. Or the fact that it was appearing piecemeal, which wasn't exactly common. "You had best hurry," said the cat. "The queen will be here soon."

"The queen?" asked the captain.

"The Queen of Hearts," said the cat. "This is her land."

"I've never met a queen before," said Ernie, a bit awed. "Only the president of the United Planetary Galactic Allied Federation Society, but he wasn't very interesting at all." Privately, Captain Blastoid agreed. 

"What's the queen like?" asked Leah.

The cat grinned even more widely. "She often removes heads, when she's feeling contrary."

The crew exchanged glances.

"Is the queen often contrary?" ventured Algernon.

"She always is," said the cat. "And therefore, she is never contrary to anyone."

"Right," said the captain. "We'd better get on with it. Algernon..." She turned back to the cat. "Do you know what these things do?"

"Yes," said the cat. There was a moment of silence.

"Would you tell us what they do?" the captain asked.

"Certainly," said the cat, and then it fell silent again. Captain Blastoid had the feeling that if it had a tail, it would be flicking it side to side in amusement.

"This isn't helping," said Harold impatiently. "Just pick one, Algernon."

"Wait, I think I see," said Zoe. "We're asking the wrong questions. Cat, what do these things do?"

"The drink will make you smaller, and the cake will make you large," said the cat, giving Zoe an approving nod.

"And do you know—" The captain caught herself and tried again. "We're looking for a password. Do we need to be large or small to see it?"

The cat's left ear twitched, and it said nothing.

"Do we need both, to see the password?"

"Yes," said the cat, its right ear twitching. 

"All right," said Captain Blastoid. "The cake first, Algernon. Not all of it, just a bit." Algernon wibbled but broke off half of the cake and ate it. For a moment nothing happened. Then, very slowly, he began to grow taller. 

"Oh," said Algernon, growing taller and taller, wider and wider. The crew scrambled back, out of the way of his newly-expanded limbs. "Oh, oh, oh _dear_." His voice seemed to get lower as he grew, and louder, until by the time his head brushed the line of the ceiling, it was so loud that the rest of the crew were covering their ears. "I DON'T LIKE THIS AT ALL," said Algernon. "NOT ONE BIT."

"Shhh!" hissed Harold, Ernie, and Leah in unison.

"WHAT?"

"YE HAFTA SPEAK MORE QUIETLY, LADDIE," shouted Scotchy.

"OH," said Algernon, and then, "OH, RIGHT, SORRY." At a whisper, he was still louder than the Brass Rat's engines at full bore, but at least it was bearable.

"CAN YOU SEE ANYTHING THAT LOOKS LIKE A PASSWORD?" shouted the captain.

"I DON'T— WAIT, THERE'S A DOOR HERE."

"THE LARGE KEY," shouted Leah. Algernon reached down gingerly and picked up the large key from the table, then fitted it into the lock. From the ground, all that the captain could see was Algernon's hands doing something near the ceiling.

"THERE ARE LETTERS HERE," whispered Algernon. "LET ME—" For some reason the quadcorder had grown with him, just as his clothing had – when the captain stopped to think about that, she was extremely grateful. Algernon typed the letters in. "OKAY, I'VE GOT IT. CAN I GET SMALLER NOW, PLEASE?"

"GO AHEAD."

Algernon picked up the small bottle and carefully uncorked it, then tipped his head back and drank the whole thing down at once.

"DON'T—" started Leah, but it was too late. He shrank. And shrank. And shrank. In fact, he went right past normal size and shrank down to miniature so quickly that it took Captain Blastoid a long moment to find where he was on the floor.

"Algernon, you idiot—" started Harold. Algernon clapped his hands over his ears, and Harold dropped his voice to a whisper. "You idiot," he hissed.

"Look, I'm doing all the work, here," said Algernon. He was clearly shouting, but it came out soft enough that it was still a struggle to make out the words. "Now what?"

"Look for another door," said Captain Blastoid. "There has to be a small one."

Two minutes of searching found the small door, down by the left back leg of the glass table. "I need the key," Algernon shouted up. 

"You didn't take it with you?" hissed Ernie.

"Can't one of you just... hand it... to me?" asked Algernon, and then, "Ah. I forgot about that."

"You could climb back up," Harold suggested.

"I can't climb back up, it's ten times as high as my head!" said Algernon.

"Shit," said Leah. "Now what?"

Captain Blastoid stared at the table and its little gleaming key, then had a burst of inspiration and spun around to see the cat watching them with silent amusement.

"Cat, can you move things?" Given that it had a head but no body, perhaps it was as discorporated as the rest of them.

"Yes," said the cat. "If I am moved, in my turn, to do so."

"What would move you to help us?

The cat tilted its head to one side and considered her for a moment. "Are there fish, where you come from?"

There were space fish, which was probably close enough. "Yes," she said. "And tafelshrew and land prawn, if you fancy those."

"I will come with you," said the cat. "Do we have a bargain?"

"We do," said Captain Blastoid. It would be nice to have a ship's cat again. 

From behind the cat's head a body slowly appeared: one leg first, then the others, and then the tail, curling insouciantly into existence. The cat leapt from the floor up onto the table, clawing the key and the little piece of cake off over the edge.

"Ow!" said Algernon as the key hit him in the head.

"Thank you," said the captain to the cat. "Algernon, the door, please."

Algernon took the key sullenly and opened the door. "More letters," he shouted. "Typing them in now. All right, I've got it."

"Try just a bite of that cake," said Ernie. "You don't want to overshoot."

Algernon grew a bit, took a second bite of cake and grew a bit more, banged his head on the underside of the table, then staggered out from under it and took one more bite of cake, which brought him back up to normal.

"I'm not doing that again," he said. 

"You don't have to," Captain Blastoid assured him. "All we have to do now is figure out the password." They all crowded around to look at the letters Algernon had written.

REFFOECNEDIVE  
OTEVORPESLAF

"Hmm," said Harold. "I think I know how this one works..."

One of the doors down at the far end of the hallway slammed open. An imposing figure appeared in the doorway, clad head-to-toe in red and with a decidedly regal bearing.

"Who dares enter my hall uninvited?" she shouted. "Guards!"

"You know, I really would like to meet the queen," said Ernie hurriedly, "but I've just realized that I'm late for another appointment. Very late." 

"Harold—"

"Is it— No, that doesn't work. Wait, yes!" He said a word, and the portal zipped into existence. Ernie jumped through without waiting for the captain's order; the others followed him, Algernon half-tripping over the cat's tail as they went through together.

"Off with their heads!" yelled the queen. Captain Blastoid went through and let the portal close behind her.

\-----

"Well," said Ernie, "that certainly was exactly how I would have chosen to spend this afternoon." 

Algernon ignored him and typed the password into the machine. When he was finished they all stared at it, but nothing happened. Algernon hit the red button again, but that didn't seem to make any difference.

"I guess we still have to figure out the administrator password," said Harold. "I was hoping it would generate. Well, I think this should be fairly straightforward." A few moments later he said, "Aha!" 

Algernon typed in the word that Harold gave him. "I wonder why they chose that as the password," he said.

"It's probably, you know, one of the usual things people use as a password," said Harold.

"Supply depot designations for warp drive parts?" asked Scotchy.

"Technical names of plants?" suggested Leah.

"Lines from comedy routines?" said Zoe.

"My name?" said Captain Blastoid.

"The date I finished my very first pair of crocheted socks?" Everyone turned to stare at Algernon. "What?" he asked. 

Captain Blastoid shook her head. "Just hit the button." 

Algernon hit the red button. The machine hummed quietly, then flashed its bright light over them again without warning. When her vision cleared, Captain Blastoid looked down at herself. "Everything seems to be here," she said. Gingerly she reached out and patted Algernon on the shoulder.

"It worked!" said Algernon, and then, "Ow!" as Zoe smacked him on the back of the head. 

"That's enough," said Captain Blastoid, when it looked like the rest of the crew were ready to line up for their own turn at beating on Algernon. The cat, at least, was merely grooming itself instead of taking part. "Well done, crew. Back to the Brass Rat. I think we can safely say this planet is _not_ ready for colonization."

"Aye, Captain," said Scotchy.

"Aye," said Algernon gratefully.

The cat leapt up to ride on Zoe's shoulder with a faint purr. They left the building and found their way back to the path between the trees. It seemed as though little time had passed – the light from the twin Xanadu suns still shone gently down, and the wind still blew peacefully through the leaves.

Captain Blastoid looked down at her quadcorder. Quietly, without saying anything, she pulled up the tally labeled 'successful missions until Algernon is allowed a blaster' and reset the number to fifteen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The puzzle image has four lines. Each of the first three lines begins with a colored arrow. 
> 
> Beside the red arrow are ten blank spaces. The fourth space is marked in red and is labeled with the number 4. The fifth space is marked in red and labeled with the number 1. The tenth space is marked in red and labeled with the number 7.
> 
> Beside the blue arrow are four blank spaces, a break, and three more blank spaces. The second space is marked in blue and labeled with the number 4. The fourth space is marked in blue and labeled with the number 2. The fifth space (the first after the break) is marked in blue and labeled with the number 3.
> 
> Beside the yellow arrow, there are five blank spaces. The second space is marked in yellow and labeled with the number 6. The third space is marked in yellow and labeled with the number 5. The fourth space is marked in yellow and labeled with the number 4.
> 
> Below these lines is another set of blanks, labeled with the numbers 1-7 sequentially. The first space is marked in red. The second space is marked in blue. The third space is marked in blue. The fourth space is white. The fifth space is marked in yellow. The sixth space is marked in yellow. The seventh space is marked in red.


	2. Puzzle answers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains the puzzle answers. If you read further, you will be spoiled!

All of the password clues have been transformed by some operation. Apply the same operation to the answer to get the password for each zone.

 

**Zone 1:** GIOWLVENWIEGRETNGLIKEPACROWRTS

Each word in the clue phrase has the name of a bird inserted after the first two letters. GIVEN WINGLIKE PARTS → ALATED → ALTERNATED

 

**Zone 2:** The tree whispers contain two clues to the same word, and the fly buzzes contain two clues to the same word, giving a two word answer. For the tree clues, the first letter of each word is replaced with S. For the fly clues, the first letter of each word is replaced with Z.

ZOZRAVERZHANZNZRDINARYZAN ZUTZRAVERZIVEZINUTESZONGER

NO BRAVER THAN AN ORDINARY MAN BUT BRAVER FIVE MINUTES LONGER

ZEZREAMSZFZEINGZNZONESTZOWARD ZIKEZVERYBODYZLSE

HE DREAMS OF BEING AN HONEST COWARD LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE

SENERICALLYSIERYSIQUORS SHATSRODUCESADNESSSNSOTALSBSTAINERS

GENERICALLY FIERY LIQUORS THAT PRODUCT MADNESS IN TOTAL ABSTAINERS

SSITYSHEMSREATLYSUTSSUSTSESUM SORSOWSOULDSESOSITHOUTSUGARSNDSHIS

I PITY THEM GREATLY BUT I MUST BE MUM FOR HOW COULD WE DO WITHOUT SUGAR AND THIS

The words clued here are HERO and RUM, which transformed become ZERO SUM.

 

**Zone 3:** REFFOECNEDIVE OTEVORPESLAF

Each word is reversed. OFFER EVIDENCE TO PROVE FALSE → REBUT → TUBER

 

**Administrator password:** The administrator password uses the selected letters from the colored blocks in each of the zone passwords. This includes the central letter which is common to all three words – the white square indicates the addition of all three colors. Solution: ROSEBUD


End file.
